Handling Emotional Attachment to Ideas and Managing Growth After Stepping Back

In Episode Two of Ask Hartley Anything, I dive into two thoughtful listener questions.

First, I explore how to help team members detach emotionally from their ideas, focusing on fostering a growth mindset, encouraging collaboration, and coaching them to see the bigger picture. Then, I share actionable advice for maintaining and sharpening management skills when stepping back into an individual contributor (IC) role, such as mentoring, leading by influence, and journaling reflections.

Whether you’re managing a team or growing as an IC, this episode is packed with insights to help you level up.

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Links:

• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success - Carol Dweck

• Radical Candor: Fully Revised & Updated Edition: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity - Kim Scott

• MasterClass

• 9 Books All Engineering Managers Should Read

• 9 More Books All Engineering Managers Should Read

Podcast summary created with Audiopen

Ever had a teammate who takes feedback too personally or wondered how to keep growing as a leader after stepping back into an individual contributor (IC) role? In this episode, I'll share how to help your team detach from their ideas and focus on impact, plus practical tips to sharpen your management skills. Welcome to Episode Two of Ask Hardly Anything, the podcast where I take your questions and offer advice grounded in my experience as an engineering leader. This podcast releases every Wednesday. Feel free to send questions to notes@askhartly.com about your engineering journey.

How have you handled direct reports that take things too personally?

Helping someone detach emotionally from their work is challenging. They’re likely passionate about their ideas and feel beat down when those ideas aren’t adopted. The first step is understanding the root cause. Why are they so attached? Maybe past experiences have made them defensive, or perhaps they tie their self-worth to the success of their ideas.

Sometimes, ideas are extensions of identity or expertise, making critiques feel personal. Early-career engineers often equate idea acceptance with validation, while senior engineers might feel irrelevant if their ideas are rejected. This emotional response can erode team trust and productivity.

In these situations, ask them privately, What happened in there? Understand their perspective without making everyone uncomfortable during the meeting. This helps you grasp whether it’s general frustration or something specific.

Here are six strategies to help:

1. Growth Mindset: Encourage embracing challenges and learning from criticism.

2. Drafts Over Final Products: Present ideas at 60% completion for early feedback.

3. Reframe Disagreements: Position debates as collaborative problem-solving.

4. Focus on Outcomes: Emphasize team goals over individual ownership.

5. One-on-One Coaching: Provide constructive feedback regularly.

6. Clarify Decision-Making: Ensure everyone understands how decisions are made.

At the end of the day, helping reports detach emotionally means shifting their mindset from proving their worth to improving the team's outcomes.

After five years in management, how can I maintain and continue developing my management skills while working as an IC?

Stepping back into an IC role allows you to refine technical skills and observe leadership from a new perspective. Whether you're at the same company or a new one, let go of old management habits and be open to new styles.

First, align with your manager about your goals to stay sharp in both IC and leadership skills. Build influence without authority by gaining trust through excellent IC performance. Mentor others informally, facilitate working groups, and set up office hours for questions.

Look for gaps in skill sets within your team and volunteer for leadership-like projects such as leading meetings or coordinating efforts. Journaling can also help you reflect on past management experiences and apply those lessons constructively.

Remember, building influence without a title involves proving your value through actions and collaboration rather than authority.

For more questions about management or engineering leadership, visit askhartley.com or find me on LinkedIn. Keep asking questions—your journey is important!

Journaling can be a powerful tool. It captures your thoughts and feelings at specific moments, offering insights into how you can adjust over time. Imagine putting yourself in your manager's shoes and documenting that perspective. You might think, Why do I need a journal? It's not a diary. But as you transition into management roles, these reflections become invaluable. When faced with situations your manager handles, you'll have a recorded playbook of your thoughts and strategies.

Seek feedback from peers and leaders about your collaboration and influence. Be specific when asking for feedback. Instead of a vague Do you have any feedback for me? try I've been leading this project. How's it going? Is there anything I can improve? This specificity makes it easier for others to provide constructive feedback.

In conversations with your manager, express your desire to continue developing your skills. They can offer insights into areas where you might need improvement or where you're excelling. Regular check-ins about your management skills can be beneficial.

Invest in learning and development. Many tech organizations offer learning stipends. Join communities of practice like Rand's leadership group or CTocraft to understand how others manage effectively. Reading management books like Radical Candor or taking leadership courses on platforms like Masterclass can also be beneficial.

Set clear goals for your management journey. At the end of the year, reflect on your progress in your journal. Identify obstacles and strategize ways to overcome them.

Advocate for others even if you're not officially in a management role. Sponsor and lift up your colleagues, encouraging them and fostering a team-first mindset. Remember, management isn't just about the title; it's about the impact you make on your team.

I believe you can do this. Entering with the intention to build your skill set will make the journey easier. Set goals and track your progress.

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Thanks to Anonymous and Kyle for their questions. You can submit yours at askhartly.com, whether anonymously or not—I'll likely use only first names anyway. These questions help me reflect on my own leadership journey.

Next Wednesday is Christmas, so no new episode then, but I'll be back on New Year's Day with fresh content. Looking forward to more questions from you all.

Until next time, have a great week!