In a previous role, I worked with a manager who approached their weekly ceremonies inefficiently. The timing was inconsistent, the facilitation was poor (in my opinion), the conversation was all over the place, and the team struggled as a result. If you’ve been on a team where standups were an hour long, that was this team.
While it was not my team, I had to sit in on a few standups for a cross-functional project. I had a 1:1 with the manager shortly after and gave a few pointers on how they could be more effective and trim the timing in half. They looked at me as if I’d intentionally spilt beans on their best tuxedo, and they replied, “I know what I’m doing.”
They were angry, they shut down, and we ended the conversation.
I still think about that interaction a lot. I was attempting to be helpful, but I’d neglected a key factor.
As managers, we’ve been taught to give feedback. On performance, on decisions, on day-to-day team operations, for potential hires, all over the place. There are whole books dedicated to delivering feedback (Radical Candor being the book I recommend most). Delivering feedback well is vital to a manager’s survival.
How exactly to deliver feedback well is likely its own post, but an interesting starting point that’s rarely discussed is that not everyone wants your feedback.
Shocking, I know, but when people say “feedback is a gift,” we tend to forget that some people are bad gift-givers, but there are also bad gift-receivers. I find that when someone doesn’t receive feedback well, it’s an opportunity to learn on both sides, making it productive instead of leaving a sour taste in our mouths.
For me, it’s a chance to question how I delivered the feedback, what was and wasn’t heard, why it wasn’t well received, and whether I should leave it alone or revisit it with them later.
In the case above, I was overstepping the comfort zone for the other manager. They held their ceremonies near and dear to their heart, had always done it that way, and didn’t want to change. While I disagreed, I needed to back off. (I also wasn’t in a position to force them to do it a different way, regardless of how I felt).
The easiest way to approach feedback in these cases is by asking questions. There was likely a reason this manager was running the standup the way they did. Don’t assume that they want the standup to be an hour; there may be more to it.
If you still feel like you’re not making any headway you can jump to one of my favorite questions by asking “are you open to some feedback about XYZ?”
This can help diffuse tension and gives the receiver a chance to opt out. If they don’t want the feedback, leave it alone.
Sure, feedback is a gift, but sometimes people throw your gifts directly in the trash.
Sometimes people just want to be mad about it, which is also totally fine. You are not in control of how someone responds to feedback, you are only in control of how you deliver that feedback. Approaching the individual on their level, and with empathy, will help the feedback land.
My commitment is to delivering clear feedback with support. I know it will not always be received well, but I would rather assume everyone wants to grow than never give direct feedback again.
If you’re looking for two reads in 2026 to help with delivering feedback well, I highly recommend:
Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity by Kim Scott
Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension by Hesha Abrams
Some quicker reads, especially in the engineering world: